Dry Ink

I’m confused about my relationship with alcohol. What I want, what I say I want, and what I do are all in contradiction with one another.

I say I never want to drink again, but then I immediately have anxiety about what that statement means; it quickly switches to wanting to enjoy alcohol on occasions and drink like a “normal” person.

I’m 57 and started drinking at 13. No one on the outside looking in would label me an alcoholic. I can’t really wrap my head around labeling myself an alcoholic.

I just came off of a 17-day stretch without a drink. Was it hard? It was somewhat hard. I miss it at night when I’m watching TV and on the weekends when the sun is shining and I’m doing housework or enjoying the outdoors. I especially miss it when I go out to eat or when at social events. Can I get through the day without a drink? Absolutely. Do I want to? No, never. I want to drink every. single. day.

What’s the problem then? There isn’t just one. There are multiple.

The amount I need to drink is a significant one. Once I start I want to keep drinking until I go to sleep. So if I start drinking beer at a pool party at 11am, I may not stop until 10pm, drinking upwards of 10 to 12 Modelos. If I’m up watching TV, I won’t stop until I’ve finished an entire bottle of wine. I’m a 135lb female.

My big mouth is another. Sometimes I have no filter. I bring things up that I don’t need to bring up; I say things I don’t mean and sometimes that I don’t remember. I share details about my life with people I hardly know. Details I don’t want out there.

There are other reasons that I’m sure will come out as I post here.

This really isn’t meant to be a journal of days without drinking. It’s meant to be a place where I can type out my feelings and experiences with alcohol as I try to abstain as much as possible — and figure out whether I can quit, whether I need to quit, whether I really want to quit.